Pulp Free

American Idols Live “performed” this last Thursday at Scott Trade Center Auditorium. C and I were treated with tickets in one of the Club rooms so obviously I had to say yes. I’ve been a huge follower since my first obsession with Kelly Clarkson (or just the nice to look at Katharine McPhee):

Well - I knew neither of them were going to be there but there was going to be free hot dogs, chicken fingers and nachos!

While I had some hopes of a good time, my expectations of something more than a glorified chorus line or group karaoke like the TV show were quickly dashed as soon as the group came on stage. I now know exactly what it takes to be able to sell tickets to families at $65 a piece…

1. A singer must point to the audience at all times (must be an old television camera trick)
2. When singing male/female duets, the couple can only pretend to like one another, and then move away from one another like somebody just caught them making out as “just friends”
3. A singer should left their legs up one at a time as an excuse for “dancing” or “choreography”
4. Shouting “Hey Saint Louis” or which ever town you’re performing in as a last ditch effort to excite the crowd can only be used a few times in a single show.
5. Running up and down stairs does not qualify as choreography (neither does just walking around)
6. Equally - strobe lights and disco balls don’t make up much in the way as lighting effects.
7. If you’re near the audience and your fans are lining up to get a glimpse of you - when you’re done pointing around (see #1 above) - reach out and try to touch your fans. Don’t shake hands - just touch… or slap - or high five.
8. Most of the group can’t sing very well to begin with - but a horrific mix in a live venue sure doesn’t help much either!
9. If you’re going to sing covers all night - you could at least make them more original… That is unless you’re Blake and then you’re just going to screw it up with your beat-box fads and bad A cappella.
10. Covers of Whitney Houston songs usually never do a singer justice - however LaKisha Jones did a really good job with “I Will Always Love You” - the only stand out (by far) song sung all night.
11. And lastly - Sanjaya Malakar. No more to say about that…

So all in all - an okay night. I can say I’ve hit an Idols show in person now - but I’ll probably never go again… (Unless they’re Club level tickets!) If those tickets weren’t free - I would have thought that the event promoters were out to steal our money! They even had a 30 minute intermission! So - until next season…

I love hot dogs. I’ve tried them all. Well - almost all of them. Honestly - probably not a lot of them. But I know what I like and you can forget about “franks”. Turkey, pork and chicken? That’s not what a hot dog make. I’ve pretty much settled on Oscar Mayer’s Beef dogs for the most part. But that’s the the root of this story. (By the way… Wrangler’s beef hot dogs are probably my favorite… But I LOVED Frank n’ Stuff hot dogs as well… it’s just that I can’t find them any more! You know the ones with processed chili actually in the middle of the hot dog! Hmmmm.) But I digress.

This is what I’m talking about:

The Hot Diggity Dogger. Mmmmmmm (Say it with me… Mmmmmmmm). I first saw this wonderful, most useful invention like most people did… In the airline shopping catalog that you thumb through while waiting to take off. Hammacher Schlemmer offered it first - but you can find them in a few other places… (Don’t mistake this with the Wal-Mart knock offs…)

I was young enough at the time that I had to have my mom order it… Whew… That was a long time again! But I bugged her and bugged her. And with a rattling of her credit card number and $50 out of my allowance, it was ordered! Days… then weeks… Then Mr. UPS arrived (back then I thought UPS only delivered at Christmas…) and I was truly in business. Opening up the box and tossing out the styrofoam peanuts, I knew next what had to be done…

With two hot dogs and two buns I ended having the best hot dogs ever. Now granted - it’s really a glorified bread toaster - but they always came out just right. Far better than nuking them in the microwave (though not quite a good as grilling them outside…).

Unfortunately - as a matter of faith in my finance - I left that poor dogger for dead when I moved into our new house. Something about her kitchen gadget phobia I was able to break her of. Well… thanks for the memories my fabled friend. May others enjoy your delicious delicatessen as I once knew you for.

(Some details have been slightly modified and enhanced for no apparent reason. I mean - c’mon… It’s a hot dog!)